I had eaten my Nando’s. I had taken my seat at Elland Road. I had predicted Leeds United 3-0 Newcastle United.
Everything was in place.
And, for once, Leeds United had apparently decided that the most entertaining thing they could do with my confidence was justify it.
Leeds won 4-1.
Same margin.
I predicted it.
Article over.
We are great.
Except the strange thing about Monday night was that, somewhere between Ao Tanaka apparently attempting to personally inspect every blade of grass at Elland Road and Dominic Calvert-Lewin spending an evening introducing Newcastle’s centre-backs to various parts of his anatomy, this stopped feeling like one of those promoted-team victories you cautiously file away as three useful points.
Leeds beat Newcastle up, said Jamie Carragher.
Not metaphorically, really.
They ran harder. They competed harder. They won second balls. They attacked crosses. They overloaded midfield. They turned Newcastle around and then kept making them turn around until the visitors looked thoroughly sick of the exercise.
By the end, Elland Road wasn’t wondering whether Leeds could survive in the Premier League.
It was singing at a team sitting third.
That is probably getting ahead of ourselves.
But Daniel Farke did tell us to dream a little bit.
It would be rude not to.
I Didn’t Think Newcastle Were Very Good
This perhaps requires some disclosure.
I didn’t arrive at Elland Road the least bit worried about what Newcastle offer.
They had five points from their opening three matches, just like Leeds, and were technically unbeaten under Matthias Jaissle. But I wasn’t particularly impressed by how they had acquired them.
A 2-2 draw with Liverpool. A win against a poor Tottenham side. Another 2-2 draw, this time at home to Bournemouth, which feels exactly like the sort of fixture Newcastle should be winning if they have serious ambitions this season.
They had also spent the summer losing Eddie Howe, Bruno Guimarães, Sandro Tonali and Anthony Gordon.
That’s quite a lot of Newcastle United to remove from Newcastle United.
So I went for 3-0.
For the opening exchanges, admittedly, there wasn’t much evidence that I had been blessed with clairvoyance.
The game was fairly even. There were a few early snags with the referee. Yoane Wissa looked lively for Newcastle, although his evening seemed to involve equal quantities of football, falling over, appealing for things and looking annoyed when those things were not provided.
There was danger there.
But then you started noticing Tanaka.
And once you noticed Tanaka, it became quite difficult to notice anything else.
Ao Tanaka Appears To Have Several Ao Tanakas Inside Him
Some midfield performances are about controlling possession.
Others are about controlling territory.
Tanaka seemed determined to control the postcode.
By about 15 minutes, he may already have covered every blade of grass.
Newcastle wanted to play vertically. Leeds simply made the centre of the pitch an unpleasant place to attempt it.
Ethan Ampadu, Anton Stach and Tanaka had a numerical advantage against Newcastle’s midfield even before the game started unravelling for the visitors. When Nico González suffered a concussion and had to leave after 19 minutes, Jaissle was left trying to navigate Elland Road with 18-year-old Sean Steur and 20-year-old Lewis Miley in the middle.
Welcome to West Yorkshire, lads. You’ll get nothing for free – and what you do get you’ll have worked hard for. (And that was 0 points, -3 goal difference)
Bogle and Gabriel Gudmundsson pushed Newcastle backwards from the flanks. Ampadu protected everything underneath. Stach added another enormous body to the machinery.
Tanaka was everywhere between them.
Newcastle weren’t completely without the ball. Possession eventually finished 51-49.
That statistic tells you almost nothing about what watching this game felt like.
Leeds had 31 touches in Newcastle’s penalty area to their 18. They had 15 shots to seven. Newcastle were dispossessed twice as often.
More importantly, whenever the game became loose, Leeds seemed to become stronger.
That was where Newcastle disappeared.
And eventually Tanaka helped break them.
His 32nd-minute shot ricocheted through Steur and Miley, wrong-footed Lukas Horníček and ended up in the net.
1-0.
Elland Road changed.
So did Newcastle.
162 Seconds
This was the period that decided the game.
Leeds smelled weakness and, rather than politely acknowledging it, immediately started poking at the wound.
Newcastle gave possession away.
James Justin crossed.
Calvert-Lewin rose.
Bogle supplied the decisive touch.
2-0.
There were only 162 seconds between the goals.
Newcastle’s heads dropped.
That was visible from the stands.
Football occasionally produces those little psychological ruptures where a match stops being a contest between two tactical systems and becomes a question of whether one team actually wants to continue participating in what is happening to them.
Newcastle suddenly looked like they would rather be somewhere else.
Calvert-Lewin looked delighted that they couldn’t leave.
Dominic Calvert-Lewin Is Horrible To Play Against
I mean that as the highest compliment available to a centre-forward.
DCL was tireless.
Everything Newcastle’s defenders wanted to do became more difficult because he existed nearby.
Long ball? He’ll challenge for it.
Cross? He’s coming.
Second ball? He’s moving.
Want a quiet moment to reset the defensive line?
No.
Jamie Carragher called him “unplayable” afterwards and described the sight of a centre-forward rising above defenders to attack the ball as one of football’s great pleasures.
From inside Elland Road, you could understand the enthusiasm.
Calvert-Lewin didn’t merely occupy Sven Botman and Malick Thiaw. He imposed himself upon them.
Then, just before half-time, came the moment that crystallised the entire performance.
Tarik Muharemović flicked a long ball forward.
Calvert-Lewin collected it near the edge of Newcastle’s box.
Botman approached.
DCL turned him.
Gone.
One touch later the ball was drilled underneath Horníček.
3-0.
There was some discussion afterwards about sending Botman for fish and chips, mushy peas and gravy.
Calvert-Lewin now has eight Premier League goals against Newcastle, more than against any other opponent. More significantly for Leeds, he has scored in five consecutive Premier League games at Elland Road.
Only Mark Viduka had previously done that for the club.
That is quite good company.
And it is becoming increasingly difficult to discuss DCL merely as the experienced Premier League striker Leeds acquired to give themselves a fighting chance after promotion.
He looks fundamental to how this team works.
Farke called him one of the standout strikers in the league afterwards.
On this evidence, you couldn’t really argue.
Half-Time: Leeds United 3-0 Newcastle United
This was the point where my prediction was technically perfect.
Stop the count.
Fourteen minutes after the restart, Ampadu launched a long throw into the Newcastle penalty area.
It wasn’t cleared properly.
The ball bounced towards Okafor.
And he absolutely leathered it.
Half-volley.
Across goal.
Far post.
In.
4-0.
Beautiful.
Okafor has a way of making attacks feel slightly unstable. He carries the ball in a way that suggests defenders are never entirely sure which direction the next problem is coming from.
His goal was the cleanest piece of finishing of the evening.
But again, the interesting thing wasn’t really the goal.
It was what the scoreboard now represented.
Leeds weren’t clinging on against established Premier League opposition.
They weren’t defending a plucky 1-0.
They weren’t being praised for “competing”.
They were dismantling Newcastle United.
Elland Road Realised It Too
Monday night football can occasionally feel slightly unnatural.
The majority of the spectators have worked all day. Kick-off is at eight. Everyone knows they have to get home afterwards. Somewhere in the back of thousands of minds is an alarm clock waiting to become tomorrow morning’s problem.
None of that mattered.
The atmosphere was excellent.
Newcastle’s supporters had been vocal early on.
At 2-0, they became considerably less relevant to proceedings.
By 3-0, Elland Road had swallowed the evening.
That particular kind of Elland Road noise develops when Leeds are not merely winning but enjoying themselves. There olay sections for a series of successful passes. Every tackle becomes funny. Every opposition mistake receives a roar. Every successful pass begins to feel vaguely insulting.
At 4-0, the football had essentially become a party. “Let’s go fucking mental” rings out- what a joy.
Which brings us, regrettably, to Sean Longstaff.
I Still Don’t Like Sean Longstaff
I’m not going to pull any punches here.
I don’t think Sean Longstaff is good enough for Leeds United.
I didn’t particularly like the signing, and nothing I have seen since has persuaded me he represents anything other than a backwards step.
Yes, he arrived with Premier League experience.
Fine.
But look at the players around his position now.
Ampadu.
Tanaka.
Stach.
They have gone beyond the level Longstaff offers.
I have no doubt he will contribute at some point. He may score an important goal. See: that goal against Bournemouth on the south coast last season.
He might give us a useful half-hour somewhere. Seasons are long, and squads require players who can step into awkward situations.
That’s football.
Long-term, though?
I don’t see it.
And I especially didn’t want him involved against Newcastle.
He had already described the prospect of facing his former club at Elland Road as strange. He came to Leeds looking for more time on the pitch and has found himself watching other midfielders excel instead.
Then, from my seat, with a pretty much perfect line of sight towards the substitutes, I saw him talking with Newcastle players.
Call me old school.
I don’t like it.
For 90 minutes, Leeds United are paying Sean Longstaff to represent Leeds United. Newcastle can be your mates again afterwards. Exchange Christmas cards. Go for dinner. Start a WhatsApp group.
During the game?
Crack on with helping us beat them.
So naturally, Daniel Farke brought him on.
And to the contrary of everything I just said, I loved it…why…trolling.
Elite Shithousery
Because Nico González had left the game with a concussion, Newcastle were granted an additional substitute.
That meant Leeds received one too.
It was the 88th minute.
Leeds were 4-0 up.
Farke looked towards his bench.
Sean Longstaff.
Perfect.
This wasn’t merely using a sixth substitute.
This was presenting Newcastle supporters with one of their former players and essentially saying:
We hadn’t even planned to use him.
You gave us another substitution.
Here he is.
That is elite shithousery.
Longstaff entered against his boyhood club with Leeds cruising towards their biggest victory of the season.
Two minutes later Newcastle scored.
Bazoumana Touré turned in Tino Livramento’s cross.
4-1.
Did they even score?
Apparently.
I was there and everything.
It just didn’t seem especially important.
Although I will point out that Leeds were winning 4-0 before Sean Longstaff on.
Coincidence?
Almost certainly.
Will that prevent me mentioning it?
Absolutely not.
Horníček Is Twice The Goalkeeper Trafford Is, Apparently
I would also like to offer my sincere thanks to the Newcastle supporters who spent the hours before kick-off explaining that Lukáš Horníček was “twice the goalkeeper” James Trafford is, more ambitious, better value and a better humanitarian than Trafford.
This was excellent information to receive. Unfortunately, nobody appears to have passed it on to Horníček, who spent Monday evening retrieving the football from his net four times while Trafford watched most of the carnage from several dozen yards away.
Newcastle had apparently saved themselves a fortune in wages, though, so presumably someone can use the difference to buy Horníček a nice neck pillow after all that bending down. The clean sheet disappearing in the 90th minute was mildly irritating, but by then the great Trafford-Horníček referendum had produced the rather inconvenient exit poll of Leeds United 4, Newcastle United 1.
“Twice the goalkeeper” is quite a claim. On the night, he was certainly involved in twice as many goals as Trafford. More, actually.
Maybe We Can Dream A Little Bit
The table after four games is largely decorative.
Nobody wins anything in September, which is a real shame. A badge or certificate would be lovely.
Leeds certainly haven’t proved they belong among the Premier League’s best teams because they have eight points from four matches.
But this performance revealed something.
Leeds looked like a solid Premier League team.
Farke’s midfield had power, numbers and intelligence. The wing-backs stretched Newcastle until spaces appeared inside. Okafor gave Leeds speed and unpredictability. Calvert-Lewin gave them a centre-forward capable of making two Premier League centre-backs spend an evening reconsidering their career choices.
And Tanaka was still running.
Probably still is. He was subbed off but is doing laps of Armley.
Farke admitted afterwards that there are rare evenings when even a manager can simply enjoy watching his team.
Then he told Leeds supporters something we have historically been extremely capable of doing without encouragement.
Dream a little bit.
So, fine.
Leeds United are third in the Premier League.
We have just beaten Newcastle 4-1.
And I predicted a three-goal victory after eating a Nando’s.
The evidence is becoming overwhelming.
We’re winning the league.
doragon sports 